Protect Yourself, Game-Of-Thrones Style

joffrey_crossbow_game_of_thrones Joffrey prepares to defend his crown (via HBOWatch.com)

It's rough out there in the Seven Kingdoms—someone is always getting themselves maimed or beheaded or brutally slaughtered on their wedding day. It's no wonder these lords and ladies have come up with so many creative ways to protect themselves. Read on for the top 6 home security secrets from Westeros and beyond—and 6 ways you can apply them to your own life.


  1. DIREWOLF

    dire wolf in the snow

    Pros: Fights as hard as an army of regular wolves. Loyal enough to guard you even if you're in a coma. Will follow you all the way to the Wall.

    Cons: Hard to find. Intense loyalty may get you/them in trouble if they, for instance, use a prince's arm as a chew toy. Fluffy coats make it tempting to nap during battle.

    Get Yours: Real dire wolves haven't set paw on earth for about ten thousand years—but you can find the next best thing in their modern-day cousin, the regular dog. The same territorial instincts that make Fido growl at the mailman will turn even the sweetest pooch into a snapping, barking whirlwind if your home is threatened.


  2. HEADS ON STAKES

    Stark's head on a stake

    Pros: Nothing says "keep out" like an impaled head. Many heads available to choose from due to people getting beheaded nearly every episode. Doubles as decoration, if that's what you're into.

    Cons: Children of former head-owners may be scarred for life. Wrong head on wrong stake may cause secession, civil war. Messy.

    Get Yours: No need to be quite this gory. Get a similar message across with a home security yard sign. If someone breaks in anyway... well, THEN you can start sharpening sticks.


  3. THE NIGHT'S WATCH

    the night's watch stands around

    Pros: Only democracy in Westeros. Really intense oath ensures Watchers take their job seriously. Black looks good on everyone.

    Cons: Currently made up mostly of ex-convicts/bastards. Watchers sometimes leave Wall to run around in the Haunted Forest. Jon Snow knows nothing.

    Get Yours: No need to muster up a force yourself. A monitored home security system provides all the manpower and security of The Night's Watch in its glory days—without any of that pesky death and destruction.


  4. THE WALL

    game of thrones ice wall

    Pros: Comes with free monitoring (see above). Made entirely of low-cost materials (ice; magic). Has succeeded, so far, in keeping out the White Walkers.

    Cons: Quality of monitoring has declined somewhat. Despite enormous size, wall cannot prevent winter from coming. White Walkers might not actually exist anymore, which would make the whole thing a massive waste of time and effort.

    Get Yours: You might not have the proper materials to build your own Wall, particularly if you live in a warmer climate or do not have access to magic. But a little home security landscaping can work wonders! For instance, a gravel driveway will prevent intruders from sneaking in, while the right plant life can be as effective as a barbed-wire fence.


  5. WARGING
  6. Orell warging

    Pros: Keep an eye on the wide ranges and far corners of your kingdom, all from the comfort of your home. Have awesome dreams. Feel the joy and freedom of inhabiting a wild creature's body.

    Cons: Feel the pain and anguish of inhabiting a wild creature's body. Eyes rolling back into head = not sexy. Still no substitute for actual legs.

    Get Yours: What, you mean you can't already telepathically possess your cat? Well then you should probably invest in some home security cameras! Position them strategically around your home and get a bird's eye view of anything that might occur. Or tie one to your dog and spend a day warging for real.


  7. DRAGONS

    Orell warging

    Pros: Can fly, breathe fire, tear enemies limb from limb. Very loyal to their mothers. Great at barbecues.

    Cons: Picky eaters. Must be incubated in a weird shrine and then hatched during your husband's cremation. Surprisingly easy to dragon-nap.

    Get Yours: You can't have a dragon. Sorry, everyone in the world.


If your House were under siege, how would you protect it? Let us know in the comments!

SimpliSafe blogger extrodaniare Cara Giaimo

Cara Giaimo

A man's home is his castle, as they say, and no matter what kind of castle you have, I'm here to help you fortify it. When I'm not blogging, you can usually find me running, jamming with friends, or making strange types of ice cream.

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