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A Burglar Alarm Company, SimpliSafe, Is Helping Burglars Find New Jobs


During the last 100 years, home security systems have relied on Ma Bell to send alarm signals to alarm monitoring centers. Savvy burglars came to rely on a low-tech solution to defeat most security systems—wire cutters.

“You know, man, I used to carry wire-cutters with me everywhere I went. I could just snip the home phone line and I knew that there wouldn’t be no cops coming to get me. It was easy, you know, before SimpliSafe,” said one frustrated burglar who wished to remain anonymous.

Since 2006, burglars have been increasingly depressed, as a new kind of alarm system has been sweeping the nation, protecting a greater and greater number of homes: the SimpliSafe wireless security system. The system doesn’t rely on a phone line, because it has an independent built-in cell phone that instantly sends alarm signals to the company’s monitoring center.

After spending weeks casing a house and getting excited about getting a family’s pawn-shop-ready electronics and jewelry, burglars were seen stomping away from properties protected by SimpliSafe, after failing to find a phone line to snip.

“We began receiving letters from depressed burglars begging us to stop using our cellular alarm technology. I was saddened. Some of the letters were stained with tear marks and covered in salt residue,” says CEO Chad Laurans.

Feeling guilty for putting so many burglars out of work, the company decided to take action and start a new job training program and group counseling to comfort burglars, whose careers SimpliSafe’s burglar alarms had ended.

“We realized we had a responsibility. So we created the SimpliSafe Center for Burglar Workplace Re-Entry and Job-loss Grief Counseling,” says Director of Marketing, Melina Martinez.

To join the program, burglars must agree to trade in their wire-cutters and black ski masks for brand new briefcases and suits.

The job-training program will help burglars transfer their amazing skills in sneaky tricks, dishonesty, and identifying suckers into successful careers as used car salesmen. Burglars who show superior abilities in these areas and have some public-speaking abilities will be fast tracked into the center’s job-training program to become politicians and lawyers.

“We hope that the program will dry the tears that we’ve caused burglars across America and provide them with incredibly profitable new jobs,” said one job-loss grief counselor.

About SimpliSafe Inc.
SimpliSafe Inc. is a leading provider of wireless home security systems. Its alarm systems are packed with cutting-edge technology, smart software, and are incredibly easy to use. SimpliSafe was created as a counterpoint to traditional security companies, many of which thrive by selling outdated technology at highway-robbery prices. For more information visit http://SimpliSafe.com.